In Time

I was actually drawn to the first 15 minutes of Andrew Niccol’s sci-fi world where time really is money. It’s fun to think of other implications of such an economy (China would be producing millennia by the minute, Occupy Wall Street would’ve lasted a week). After that quarter hour however, the film snorts a powdery line of stupid, constantly delivering moments of dumb-shittery. In all honesty, planning to globally switch money for time is a stupid fucking idea, which wouldn’t really be a problem for a sci-fi film if it weren’t for it’s moral “this is a stupid fucking idea.”


YEAH... NAH...

Paranormal Activity 3

I respected the first Paranormal Activity for its effective simplicity as a horror, but the ending was less satisfying than a raw potato sandwich. Luckily, this third entry provides that much needed substance, milking the udder of a concept that was merely pinched. The set pieces are grander, the main characters are actually likeable and bold new camera techniques are implemented, like panning (mounted on the world’s slowest moving fan). Despite the film’s fantastic ability to harvest tension from your imagination, I still have distain towards its reliance on cheap shock tactics. See it with a crowd, if you must.

WATCHABLE

The Three Musketeers

My heart goes out to the three “leads” (I use that term lightly) chosen to play the musketeers in this remake/reboot/whatevs of the reknown classic. Stevenson, Evans and Macfayden are a damn fine trio, deserving of a much better swashbuckling endeavour. Instead, they’re exploited in this stuff-crust cheese of a script, devoid of any memorable action set pieces (aside from one badass scene of cannon-fodding annihilation) before quickly turning into a flying circus Pirates Of The Wannabeans. I also feel sorry for Orlando Bloom, not for his role, but for the months he wasted trying to grow that pig-tusk goatee.

YEAH... NAH...

Real Steel

Sure, you could retitle Real Steel to Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Rocky, but a simple glimpse of the trailer is enough to let you know where it’s obvious plot turns derive from. I was surprised to find myself not wanting to stab the lead kid Max in the face, although the movie uses the irritating family-friendly “the kid is never wrong” trait. You may’ve ignored my prior 68 words on irrelevant criticisms like “plot” to get to the meat: are the robot fight scenes awesome? Fuck yeah they are. With a little tolerance, it’s hard not to enjoy Real Steel.

WATCHABLE

The Help

I likes me a good fictional history lesson. While it’s nowhere near as absurd as Inglourious Basterds, The Help is an empowering watch about a moment in time that never was. The definitive characters are the biggest testament to the movie’s quality. Everyone from the broken-down black maid (Viola Davis) to the stepford wife alpha-bitch (Bryce Dallas Howard) sell their roles immediately. When confrontation eventually strikes, it’s a brilliantly emotive eruption. In comparison to its subject matter, the film did seem a little tame overall. Nevertheless, by the end, I wanted to hi-5 each and every one of those maids. 

RECOMMENDED

Hanna

The director of upper class tea-n-crumpet contemporaries Atonement and Pride and Prejudice does a 180, busting the balls of Hollywood with this borderline art house thriller. After plastering your face with a big red “HANNA” sign, the film stamps its foot and becomes its own beast. Consequently, the awkwardly spastic side characters nearly derail entire scenes. Luckily, the distinctive direction and epileptic editing make the action look slicker than a greased-up zoot suit. It may turn some off, but I’m the polar opposite: Hanna turned me on. The movie I mean, not the 16-year-old girl.
…
I plead the fifth.

RECOMMENDED

The Tree Of Life

There’s an ungodly amount of things to discuss about Terrence Malick’s latest, so I’ll just give my main compliment and complaint. It’s a consistently stunning visual flurry, seemingly shot with a floating ectoplasmic camera. However, the half-hour existentialistic “scenarios” sandwich-board the main narrative more awkwardly than it should. Despite that, when the film hit, it hit me hard. Ultimately, The Tree Of Life  is like life itself: it can be ambiguous, it can be rewarding, it can be frustrating as hell, but there’s no denying the sheer amount of beauty within it that, unfortunately, will go completely unnoticed by some. 

RECOMMENDED