The Whistleblower

It’s rare for me to feel genuine disgust towards the subject matter of a film. The Whistleblower provoked this feeling out of me with its extremely well-told story of one woman’s fight to stop human trafficking. Being based on truth, the fact plunges further into my stomach, tempting me to spew out in anger. If my past self asked if he should watch this film, I would deem it a necessity. Thus, I give the film my highest honours in the hope of motivating whoever reads these reviews to seek it out and draw this dehumanising issue into public consciousness.

BETTER THAN INCEPTION!!!

Puss in Boots

With the taste of the fermented crap that was Shrek the Third still on my tender tongue, a spin-off movie was on shaky ground for me. Luckily, they did two things right: 1) they didn’t base it on Donkey and 2) they organically weave a number of nursery rhymes and fairy tales with the origin story of a kickass character. Some jokes fall flat and, in typical Dreamworks fashion, a number of corny dance numbers are integrated with the subtlety of an epileptic rhino. However, as animated action comedy film, it nails the trifecta nicely. Oh, and the 3D’s immaculate. 

RECOMMENDED

Immortals

Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder. But even when you explode that eye in a gloriously tasteful manner, it’ll still be easy for most viewers to recognise the ugliness of a generally bland film. Immortals doesn’t bother to hide its main objective: delivering an optical overload. It achieves this; it’s a visual splendour that delivers the Picasso of violence. But even so, it’s impatient storytelling techniques leave it devoid of personality. It‘s a pretty film to be sure, but it wore off me quickly, like dating a ridiculously attractive girl whose only hobby is collecting different types of potpourri.

YEAH... NAH...

One Day

I was intrigued by the premise of One Day, me being a fan of obscure concepts as well as being a coiled-up romanticist. In some ways, I was satisfied with what I saw. Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess (the other Andrew Garfield) brew a believable amount of chemistry, making their double decade diligence all the more interesting to watch play out. Through every July 15th we witness, we’re often left to assume many details that have occurred over the prior 364 days. Unfortunately, these temporal gaps soften the majority of scenes that go for an emotional (sometimes obvious) sucker punch.

WATCHABLE

Contagion

With more recognizable actors than an entire season of South Park, Contagion’s got one hell of a star-powered fist that’s prepared to punch you in the paranoia nut-sack.  Soderbergh prefers to examine the chaos from an observer’s perspective rather than immerse us in any deep emotional investment. This choice may break the interest of some, but this epidemiological exploration into a global freak-out held a rare fascination within me. Some plot threads could’ve used more tying and I was thrown off by the possibility of Demetri Martin saving the world, but nevertheless, Contagion is a fantastic, titanically told fear-inducer. *cough*

RECOMMENDED

Drive

The pace is bound to throw off the Michael Bay crowd, but Drive tells its straight-forward story through a visual and aural cataclysm of slickness that should be appreciated. Ryan Gosling administers a litre of cool to his glare and a bottle of sedatives to his throat, preferring to chew half his lines into his toothpick rather than use actual words. Most of the time, it plays to the film’s style, but there are the odd moments where it just looks bizarre. However, it’s not as bizarre-looking as Ron Perlman. Seriously, it’s like they spliced Will Ferrell with a gorilla. 

RECOMMENDED

The Thing

Having not seen either John Carpenter’s original version or the original original version of The Thing (sorry everybody, I’ve let y’all down), I was free from the judgemental skew of comparison when seeing this remake-reboot-prequel-but-not-really version. Perhaps that worked to my fortune, for I enjoyed what I saw. The film’s cluttered with irritating plot holes and the CGI oscillates between stellar to spotty, and the overabundance of 1D characters serve as lambs for the slaughter, which’ll either work to your benefit or against it. However, the movie thrills effectively, with one horrific moment that’ll stick with me for a while. 

WATCHABLE

In Time

I was actually drawn to the first 15 minutes of Andrew Niccol’s sci-fi world where time really is money. It’s fun to think of other implications of such an economy (China would be producing millennia by the minute, Occupy Wall Street would’ve lasted a week). After that quarter hour however, the film snorts a powdery line of stupid, constantly delivering moments of dumb-shittery. In all honesty, planning to globally switch money for time is a stupid fucking idea, which wouldn’t really be a problem for a sci-fi film if it weren’t for it’s moral “this is a stupid fucking idea.”


YEAH... NAH...

Paranormal Activity 3

I respected the first Paranormal Activity for its effective simplicity as a horror, but the ending was less satisfying than a raw potato sandwich. Luckily, this third entry provides that much needed substance, milking the udder of a concept that was merely pinched. The set pieces are grander, the main characters are actually likeable and bold new camera techniques are implemented, like panning (mounted on the world’s slowest moving fan). Despite the film’s fantastic ability to harvest tension from your imagination, I still have distain towards its reliance on cheap shock tactics. See it with a crowd, if you must.

WATCHABLE

The Three Musketeers

My heart goes out to the three “leads” (I use that term lightly) chosen to play the musketeers in this remake/reboot/whatevs of the reknown classic. Stevenson, Evans and Macfayden are a damn fine trio, deserving of a much better swashbuckling endeavour. Instead, they’re exploited in this stuff-crust cheese of a script, devoid of any memorable action set pieces (aside from one badass scene of cannon-fodding annihilation) before quickly turning into a flying circus Pirates Of The Wannabeans. I also feel sorry for Orlando Bloom, not for his role, but for the months he wasted trying to grow that pig-tusk goatee.

YEAH... NAH...

Real Steel

Sure, you could retitle Real Steel to Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Rocky, but a simple glimpse of the trailer is enough to let you know where it’s obvious plot turns derive from. I was surprised to find myself not wanting to stab the lead kid Max in the face, although the movie uses the irritating family-friendly “the kid is never wrong” trait. You may’ve ignored my prior 68 words on irrelevant criticisms like “plot” to get to the meat: are the robot fight scenes awesome? Fuck yeah they are. With a little tolerance, it’s hard not to enjoy Real Steel.

WATCHABLE

The Help

I likes me a good fictional history lesson. While it’s nowhere near as absurd as Inglourious Basterds, The Help is an empowering watch about a moment in time that never was. The definitive characters are the biggest testament to the movie’s quality. Everyone from the broken-down black maid (Viola Davis) to the stepford wife alpha-bitch (Bryce Dallas Howard) sell their roles immediately. When confrontation eventually strikes, it’s a brilliantly emotive eruption. In comparison to its subject matter, the film did seem a little tame overall. Nevertheless, by the end, I wanted to hi-5 each and every one of those maids. 

RECOMMENDED

Hanna

The director of upper class tea-n-crumpet contemporaries Atonement and Pride and Prejudice does a 180, busting the balls of Hollywood with this borderline art house thriller. After plastering your face with a big red “HANNA” sign, the film stamps its foot and becomes its own beast. Consequently, the awkwardly spastic side characters nearly derail entire scenes. Luckily, the distinctive direction and epileptic editing make the action look slicker than a greased-up zoot suit. It may turn some off, but I’m the polar opposite: Hanna turned me on. The movie I mean, not the 16-year-old girl.
…
I plead the fifth.

RECOMMENDED

The Tree Of Life

There’s an ungodly amount of things to discuss about Terrence Malick’s latest, so I’ll just give my main compliment and complaint. It’s a consistently stunning visual flurry, seemingly shot with a floating ectoplasmic camera. However, the half-hour existentialistic “scenarios” sandwich-board the main narrative more awkwardly than it should. Despite that, when the film hit, it hit me hard. Ultimately, The Tree Of Life  is like life itself: it can be ambiguous, it can be rewarding, it can be frustrating as hell, but there’s no denying the sheer amount of beauty within it that, unfortunately, will go completely unnoticed by some. 

RECOMMENDED

Cowboys & Aliens

Favreau’s latest should be titled Cowboys then Aliens, for it starts off as a Western and slowly turns more sci-fi-ish as it trucks along. Daniel Craig plays the-man-with-no-name role, proving to be the only real interesting character in the film. That is, until you actually find out his name (and back story). Olivia Wilde simply hangs ‘round the cast to say “Hey, how’s it going?” before whipping out the magical plot-twist of bullshit. The plot and side characters are more straightforward than the instruction manual for my toaster. Yes, you’ll get cowboys fighting aliens, but it shouldn’t be this generic.

YEAH... NAH...

Horrible Bosses

Being able to preserve Jennifer Anniston’s still-hot body from cryogenic stasis is impressive enough, but when you have an entire cast pulling out their A-game to do a comedic premise justice, that’s a whole other science. Horrible Bosses lives and breaths by its script and performances, achieving both aspects with a rambunctious wit and an energetic sense of comradeliness. Some cameos were briefer than I’d hoped and Charlie Day’s adolescent high-pitch whininess irritates me somewhat, but that’s just me. The film still kept me laughing consistently minute by minute. There’s not much more I could ask from a straight-up comedy. 

RECOMMENDED

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

Screw Skynet, I welcome our new prime ape overlords. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is a superb prequel-reboot-remake thingy of the 1968 classic, with less prosthetics and more Weta CG goodness. Though the side characters serve little more than plot devices, the film never lets go of the fact that this is Caesar’s story, and the emotive range they capture is pretty staggering. There are a couple of holes and cringe-worthy moments, but I hellishly enjoyed this film. I was afraid they’d mess this prequel up, but those fears have been put to rest… and replaced by gorillas…

RECOMMENDED

Captain America

I doubted that they’d be able pull off a superhero as corny as Captain America in this post WW2 propaganda era, but by golly Joe Johnson proved me wrong. Chris Evans does an admirable job as Steve Rogers, utilising some freaky voodoo witchcraft to thin himself down in his pre-Capt. state. However, despite the straight-up fun action-filled venturing and some geek-out-worthy hints to The Avengers, there’s not much to our protagonist, shoehorning a blatant “it’s not what it looks like” scene to manufacture some conflict. It’s still a very enjoyable film, just not on the Iron Man or Thor level. 

WATCHABLE

Hobo With A Shotgun

Hobo With A Shotgun is the love letter to the grindhouse era that Rodriguez and Tarantino’s Grindhouse failed to send (with a shotgun). Every element is overdone to perfection: the corny acting, the gratuitous Wal-Mart-quality gore, the flamboyant lighting (with a shotgun). Obviously, the film latches its appeal to a very specific audience, leaving the rest in the dust (with a shotgun). But for what the film planned to achieve, you can’t leave without thinking that they succeeded (with a shotgun). Hobo With A Shotgun is low quality cinema of the highest quality, and with a shotgun (with a shotgun).

RECOMMENDED

The Trip

Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon tour northern England to experience and review the finest cuisine (in a buddy road trip movie sort of way). It doesn’t take long for the pair lock themselves into battles of impersonations and mannerisms, which is really all that fuels the movie. The slight insights we’re given into character Coogan and character Brydon’s lives serve little more than mellow take-home messages that have about as much punch as a primary school cocktail. Despite this lack of weight, the movie provides the Wimbledon of hilarious back-and-forth banter, which would be the prime reason to watch it.

WATCHABLE